I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
