Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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