Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize