just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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