would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
