I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
