The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
