Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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