If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
