happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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