Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize