Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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