textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Randomize
