Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
