ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Someone signed my nipple.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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