I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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