Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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