So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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