if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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