I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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