Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
