when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
