Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
