I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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