One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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