You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
