It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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