When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How does one acquire holy water?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
