I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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