dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
