I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i've created a new STD.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
