I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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