I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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