sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize