Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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