if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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