I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
