I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
