If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
