my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
