he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize