How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
