Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I touched a dick in church today
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
