can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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