I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
