So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize