My sheets look like a crime scene.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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