I need to stop coming to work sober
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
