I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
