I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
