Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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