it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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