can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
