How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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