sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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