He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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