I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
