no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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