i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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