What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
